Travels

T finally travelled somewhere for work. He does that quite a bit but lately not so much. And I realise that’s partly why we’ve been having problems: He needs to travel for his own peace of mind and for opportunities for us to talk, on times that work in both our respective time zones.

So: Yesterday, delicious phone sex. He let me watch. He gets so hard… when I watch it I can only think of one thing: I need him inside me. And then – semen pulsating. I was so incredibly wet, and came like a string of water drops off a cliff – so effortlessly. I almost fell asleep afterwards while we were still on the phone.

And tonight: a long conversation about nothing at all while he was waiting for a delayed flight.

Travels work in our favour.

Yum

I needn’t have worried. Within hours of getting back from his trip he messaged me and asked if I was free to do a Skype call. It really caught me by surprise.

I was not far from home, and the house was empty, and I could make time for it – so I headed home straight away and made the call. He sent me delicious pictures and made me cum twice. It was so good to hear and see him, and so good to be back with him. He’s the only semblance of a sex life I’ve got, so I really needed this.

I tried to talk for a bit afterwards but he was not all that interested. I didn’t mind.

I may have left my vibrator on my bed without hiding it before heading out again… that’s my only worry. But if someone finds it it’s just an embarrassment, I’ll live with it.

I’m all smiles today 🙂

Far away and near

T has kept his promise to keep in touch during his travels. Not much but he has checked in and talked for a bit once or twice every day. Feels good.

I’m not jealous of his wife. I realise this holiday is a time for them to reconnect so I’ve stayed away from sexy talk. The fact that he has too tells me that my gut feeling is right – they are catching up on intimate times.

On his trip, he’s closer to me than he’s ever been (geographically), but the emotional distance has grown by the day. The fact that he never ever discusses his wife with me, and the fact that I have always respected that, accentuates the distance, since we can’t talk about what is probably the most important factor on their trip – that it’s the first time in decades that they travel alone, without kids. And the only intimacy going on is what happens between him and his wife. So we talk about food and sights. Which is fine.

But will we bounce back when he gets home? My worry is that he’ll feel so connected to her after their “romantic holiday” that he won’t need other distractions anymore. After all we’re both talking with each other to fill that void that our significant others can’t seem to fill, with regards to both sex and connection. What if he’s getting his needs met at home now?

I’m not giving this too much thought. As usual, there’s nothing I can do but wait. But my insecurities forbid me to take anything for granted. I’ll probably wait for him to take the first (sex-oriented) step once he’s home again.

One week

T is going away on holiday for a week with his wife. Given his compartmentalization skills I prepared for a week without hearing from him. I’ll miss him, especially since we couldn’t make another phone call happen before he left, in spite of trying.

Just before boarding the plane he said he will definitely try to stay in touch. Whether that’s possible or not I don’t know, but hearing him say it made me happy. These small gestures go a long way. It’s the online version of a hand on the small of your back, a glance or a quick kiss.

I sometimes think I haven’t fallen for this man – but I have. In a comfortable low-intensity way.

And he sometimes thinks he hasn’t fallen for me – but he has. 🙂

Standard messages

T is a very on-off person. Sometimes sweet and eager and appreciative – sometimes just a standard one or two word comment after I’ve sent him salacious pictures and several messages. (Sometimes not even that.)

I think it’s about compartmentalization. If he’s working, or with family – I’m not on his mind.

Compartmentalizing is not my thing. I honestly think it’s because I’m good at multitasking. I don’t lose focus on what’s right in front of me only because I think about something else. It happens, but mostly I’m good at juggling and don’t see it as a problem.

Thing is – i shouldn’t judge him as if he were me. If I had written that standard message to him – he’d be right to worry! If he writes it to me – I never know if he’s distancing himself, busy or caught up in something else. I’m more or less sure he’s not talking with anyone else, and I’m enjoying that trust. And reason tells me he’s probably not trying to distance himself. So – no worries really.

Just a bit annoying.

Even bigger plans

T and I have talked about meeting for quite a long time. It’s a logistical challenge to both but to him that’s about the only obstacle. He’s had affairs plenty times before and he’s a confident guy. Me – I’m scared. I have met two online guys in real life before, but I hadn’t been talking with them for very long and didn’t know them well. They were only meant to be sexual experiences, or experiments even, just to see what it was like in real life. They were local to me and it was easy to arrange. All in all it wasn’t very good (and of course part of me has that down to “I obviously wasn’t very good”). I met each of them only once.

This is different. T and I have been talking for a long time and there’s that connection. Dreams, expectations.

Anyway, the plans just got one step closer to reality today, as we laid out plans for something that we could possibly make happen in June.

I’m dreaming of his (very attractive) cock and his fit body, I’m fearing his quick wits, I’m anxiously wondering how he’d react to my much too voluminous size. I’m asking myself if I’m any “good in bed”. (I always wanted to know. You can never trust anyone to tell you, truthfully.) I am starting to plan what I’d wear – clothes don’t interest me so I don’t have a big wardrobe – I’d have to make some purchases. I also have to take into account that it might mean the end of talking online with him. The finale?

Anyway, I’m prepared to risk it, and I hope we can somehow pull it off.

Four times

Had a couple of great phone calls with T. The first one – unexpectedly we both found ourselves alone, the day before our “scheduled” call. Neither had much time so it was a 10 minute quickie. We hadn’t talked for two months so hearing him was such a huge turn-on. I came twice in a very short time and it just felt like something that had been missing was suddenly complete. I really hate masturbating alone for a long period of time. It gets so intensely lonely after a while that it’s hardly even worth it. But there was no time for small talk afterwards.

The next day – slow, sensual, building gradually… it’s so very unusual for us to not have to rush things. What a luxury. So so good. And when we were both relaxing afterwards we actually talked about this and that for 10 or 15 minutes. I’m not that good at small talk in English but maybe I can learn. It felt a bit like getting know each other in a new way.

All in all – two very good days. I am so glad I didn’t take the easy way out (Cape) but made this happen instead. The distance that’s been lingering between us is gone now. It feels like we’re in a very good place.

Plus I got to cum four times in two days. Plus an extra time in between on my own since thinking back (and ahead!) made me so horny.

Big plans

Once I realised I needed to tell T; not what bothered me, but what I needed – my grumpiness eased. I told him I needed to cum with him, and that he didn’t necessarily have to cum with me – I just needed his company. On phone or in typing. Not always, just once in a while, but for now: SOON.

He was very efficient about it and immediately suggested two different dates. We looked at our busy calendars and found a time in a couple of days that’s looking hopeful in terms of alone time for both. Fingers crossed here.

That was easy!

If time allows and if I can pluck up the courage, my plan is to also try and talk about some other worldly things after we’re both done panting… we’ll see.

Frustrated, in oh so many ways

(I fell asleep after the last blog post, btw.)

T resurfaced the next day, his morning my noon. He was horny and wanted to cum, I was in my office – which normally doesn’t stop me from getting in the mood – but this time, I felt a bit… put off. Those are his first words, after being silent like that? Like a booty call? Oh well. It’s what we’re here for, isn’t it. He came to my typed scenarios, and I even skipped the first part of my lunch break to help him out – and enjoyed doing so.

But after he came he disappeared again and didn’t come back on all day. Bad manners. Not like him, actually.

I was irritated and sad all day. Moody, lonely.

So this is the pattern: He needs me, I’m there, either to whisper or to type. I need him, he’s nowhere to be seen, so I end up masturbating alone. It’s been like this for a while. And I can’t get my head around why. It’s easy to feel annoyed and neglected – but I’m not sure that’s what it is about, it may also be down to pure logistics. Our situations are a bit different from before. We’ve had a lot of bad luck with timing lately.

He did acknowledge that he ows me one. But I’m still feeling grumpy and neglected.

Then, as if by magic, Cape reappears, offering to get me off… He’s SO good at making me cum, but I’m stupid and loyal and faithful. I turned him down.

So then it hits me: This is the downside of being exclusive.

Before, I would have jumped at Cape’s offer. And I would then have been fine with T:s “bad manners”, because I wouldn’t be crazy frustrated, which I am now. I haven’t cum in days. That’s probably part of the problem. That physical thing that happens when I go too long without an orgasm – I get tense and irritated and unforgiving. If Cape hadn’t been available, I would have gone into a chat room and found someone, anyone, to cum with, just so I didn’t have to do it alone every single time. Most the time – fine. All the time – killing me.

And I think back to T saying – back when he asked me to not talk with others – to let him know when there’s a gap he’s not filling, so he can do something about it, instead of me secretly running off to talk with some other guy.

It’s sinking in now. This is what “being exclusive” means. This is what I didn’t grasp in my marriage, until it was too late: You don’t get your needs satisfied, you have to speak up and ask for it. So now that same thing is happening in my pretend-relationship, my learning experiment, the training ground that is my online relationship. And I realise I have to voice my needs to T, and see where that takes me.

That’s something new.

Too close

I have a tendency to get too attached. I’ve always had this issue, starting from my formative years. Any sign of closeness or bond or affection would make me fall, and fall hard. I’d sleep with a guy once and immediately develop a crush that could last for years – and of course that’s not always what the guy had in mind during that one night of carefree sex. The only time I didn’t fall for the guys I was intimate with was when I already had a crush on someone else.

Same with my online guys. I use plural here because I’m looking back, and it’s always been the same pattern: They say something remotely sweet and I swoon. I’m such a sucker for compliments it’s embarrassing. And the contrary is also true: they criticize my looks, sensuality or sexual prowess – and I fall apart. I have zero confidence in that regard.

So it’s taken me some time – years and years – to figure out that I need to keep my distance to stay sane. I need to focus on myself, not on them. I need to never depend on anyone for happiness or orgasms, I need to be self sufficient. Anything else leaves me way too vulnerable.

T was sweet the other day. We teased each other… both were horny as fuck. And then he had a chance to get himself off, but I didn’t. I asked if I could listen in – and of course I could, he loves to stroke while I listen. I was not alone, only hiding behind a thin door, so I was really quiet, but I whispered some scenarios to him until he came.

I made myself cum later that night, imagining his voice in my ears, talking me through it – and I let him know as much. Only meant it as a compliment.

The next day he was full of apologies: for having cum to my voice, without reciprocating.

Ah that’s so sweet. That’s exactly the kind of thing that makes me swoon.

So when he then goes silent for an entire day… Not even saying hi – it really gets to me. I was in full on relationship mode and wanted to talk and share endlessly – he disappears. I’m desperate to reach out to him now, to let him know I miss him. I feel lonely and rejected.

One day.

I’m nuts.

It’s really hard, but I know the first day is the hardest day. Tomorrow I won’t be as desperate. Day after tomorrow I’ll hardly even care. Not that he’ll stay away that long, he never does. But if he does I’ll be fine.

I only have to resist the urge to send him a message now. Or eight. Not pursue. Move away.

So the only question is: what’s the most efficient way to get him off my mind right now – masturbate or sleep…?